Go Within
We currently live in a hyper active, over stimulated reality. We are being bombarded with information 24/7. Whether it be another disaster or alarm bell from the news, politics, social media, work, family, spouse, your friends, your kids whatever it may be there is constant stimulation going on in our external environments pulling us further and further away from our selves and true nature.
Even in the spiritual communities I have noticed traps that pull us further away from ourselves such as take plant medicine, the latest conspiracy theory, manifest this, take this course, then you will have that, follow this teacher and then you will be enlightened. Don’t get me wrong some of these tools can be life altering but it’s about having awareness when we begin to get pulled further away from ourselves and lost in an addiction to having the next best thing or "once I fix this”, then I will be healed, then I will be a higher vibration, then I will be liberated.
Everything is happening at ultra violet speed, how does one even begin to learn how to connect to their inner wisdom, voice and inner guide? The silent witness and observer that lies inside of each and everyone of us. I like to call the higher self. The aspect of ourselves that has a well of knowledge, intuition and information available to us. In the stillness we can access our own wisdom and inner voice.
It can be extremely hard and confusing to hear our own inner voice when we are constantly getting pulled into so many other realities and digesting loads of outside information. How do we begin to know what thoughts and beliefs are in alignment with who we really are?
For the majority of my life I had a complete aversion to being still. I was put on prescription medications at a really young age and developed a dependency around medicating myself whenever things got difficult or uncomfortable emotions would arise. My coping mechanism at the time was reaching for something external to soothe me. It felt like there was an empty void inside of me. There is only a limited amount of time the physical body can handle poison so I eventually hit a rock bottom and had to get sober off the substances I was medicating myself with. It’s hard to fathom, the fact that I was so terrified to feel and sit still that I thought the best solution was to literally poison myself rather than face myself, be still and feel the pain. A pain that is only temporary if I had the strength to face it and feel it.
I’m watching the world around me lost in some form of addiction or escapism. I know I am not the only one who struggled with being present in this reality. Maybe your not poisoning yourself with drugs and alcohol. Your drug of choice could be food, sex, relationships, gambling, drama, codependency, money, over working, gaming, social media, television. Whatever it is most of the population is using something external to numb themselves. Each time we numb ourselves and reach for something external we move further away from our true nature, our inner wisdom and intuition.
Why are we so afraid to feel and be still?
When I was 6 months sober I started learning healthy tools and coping mechanisms that helped me heal and appreciate being present in my body. I started doing yoga, kundalini exercises, connected with my breath, inner child healing and meditation. For someone who could not sit still for 10 minutes with out reaching for a substance I began sitting in meditation for long amounts of times even multiple hours within one day.
I decided to challenge myself and go to Vipassana.
Vipassana is one of the oldest buddhist traditions for meditation. You have to apply to get into Vipassana and once you get accepted you go to a 10 day silent meditation retreat. I chose to go to a facility outside of Joshua Tree. When I walked on their desert campus the first day, I knew there was no going back. I was committing to this and all in. We turned in our cell phones on day one and I sat for first day orientation. There was an anxious energy in the air looking at all the other faces that chose to take the time out of their busy lives to learn this practice. Yet a deep respect that each one was brave enough to have the willingness to sit with themselves.
After first night orientation we went into silence. I wasn’t terrified on a soul level I truly knew this was going to be life altering for me and I so deeply wanted to discover inner peace within myself. Each day we met in the meditation hall from 4am to 9pm at night. One - two hour meditations all day long throughout the day. We were not allowed to journal or exercise since those are distractions. The first three days the directions were to simply scan the sensation under your nose. That is it. Concentrate on the breath. Also watch for where the mind will label something or give it any meaning of importance. Just scan. I learned if we focus only on the bliss states then we gain an attachment to those states, chasing more bliss, which will lead to suffering.
I was very diligent with staying the neutral observer. Days 4-10 we begin scanning the entire body. There were a few intense hours on some of the days. My body and mind felt like it was under attack at times. I felt excruciating pain coming through my spine and entire body. My legs would go numb and we were not allowed to move an inch during the entire meditation. Also no bathroom breaks. One must learn to sit, scan and be with each sensation as they arise. I would catch my mind if it tried to go into a story or intrusive thoughts coming in regarding the uncomfortable sensation and just kept witnessing. Then the final chanting would be played out loud at the end of the hour. There was pure joy the moments I was able to release from my posture and step into the sunlight at the end of each hour. I began to have appreciation for the simplest of things such as my meals in the morning and laying my head against the pillow at night and closing my eyes.
I experienced moments of expansion, inner connectedness and pure ecstasy, yet I knew that was only temporary and not to attach to those moments as well. By day 5 my senses were highly sharpened. I noticed sensations, vibrations, coming through all kinds of areas in my body I had never noticed before. It was a priceless experience to truly become the witness to this body, and personality. To have no outside distractions or conversations pulling me out of the experience of my present moment reality. Vipassana offered me the tools and techniques that create freedom from suffering.
Where does suffering stem from? The mind. The attachments the mind creates. Vipassana taught me how to observe my thoughts and also to have neutrality around each thought or experience as they arise. To have Equanimity.
Learning we don’t have to change things in our current experience in order to have happiness. Equanimity is trust in the present moment. Trusting, in this moment things are exactly where they need to be. Having an attitude of welcoming each experience and not needing to change it or resist it. It’s not that we don’t do things to learn and grow but we are able to fully ride the wave of each experience with non attachment and learn to allow unpleasant sensations to flow through us.
Learning Vipassana and a daily meditation practice freed me from addiction.
Addiction is attachment. The need to have external things in order to change our current state. Today I can be in the stillness. I can find stillness in the waves of outside chaos happening all around me. I know where to turn when I get pulled out of center, away from my inner voice, and clarity.
I go within.
Allowing each sensation, thought, emotion to pass through and not attach is liberating. Learning to be the observer is a daily practice. I am very human and even with a daily meditation practice I still get lost in suffering some days. Yet with these tools I am able to bring myself back to reality, to the present moment pretty swiftly. I’ve learned to observe and see outside situations from a higher perspective. It’s almost like watching a movie rather than being a character lost in the drama.
I no longer see this reality through the lens of victimhood but as a beautiful creation and experience I am co creating with the one.
How To Go Within?
It does not have to be meditation for you.
There is something called the “flow state”. My sister, an artist is a huge advocate of this. Have you ever gotten lost in a task and lost track of time? Artists, athletes, musicians, writers, designers, dancers, and creatives are familiar with this place. Flow state can occur by having focused attention on something you love and passionate about for a pro-longed period of time. The rest of the world disappears as you “get in the zone” and enter a bliss state with the thing you are doing. Your mind is clear and hyper focused. These are other ways you can go within. The benefits of going within and flow state are inner peace and presence, increased dopamine levels, and decreased stress and anxiety from outside noise and thoughts.
Tune in and discover what feels right for you to move out of your mind, silence the outside and go within.
